Emotions

Emotions are powerful and complicated things. Everyone has them, but everyone experiences them differently. As far as expression goes though, I'm pretty well known for being a "non-emotional" person. But what does that mean, exactly? I'm not a robot; I have feelings like any other human being, I just deal with them in a noticeably different way than most. I've often wondered why, and after years of thought, I have it pinned down to a few different things.

First, I am an extreme introvert. I live completely within myself. That may be due largely to my dissatisfaction with reality. Or maybe I'm genuinely shy. Either way, even the people closest to me will never know half of who I really am, because my thoughts and feelings dwell so deep inside of me and I rarely share them. I'm very comfortable in my own skin, so I deal with things by myself.

Second, I am the opposite of a procrastinator. What does that have to do with emotion? I anticipate things. I don't live in the present, I live in the future. I dream, I predict; I like to be one step ahead of the game, always knowing what's coming, expecting the unexpected. Because I anticipate things, I deal with them emotionally in advance. I'm sure that sounds ridiculous, but it works really well for me. If I know something is going to happen, I create the event in my head and deal with the emotions ahead of time. Then I can handle the situation when I'm faced with it because I've already had time to process it. I guess what it dwells down to is that I like to have complete control over myself at all times. Or as Oscar Wilde once said, “I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them".

Third, I am a perfectionist to the highest degree of the word. I expect myself to be able to handle anything and everything that gets thrown at me. I know it isn't humanly possible, but it's what I strive for. I tend to see emotional expression as weakness. If I can't handle my own emotions, I certainly can't and won't expect other people to be burdened by them. I consider emotion a personal responsibility. Handling your emotions is like brushing your teeth- if you make it a habit to take care of yourself, you'll get through life easier.

I think it's this combination of characteristics that makes me the way I am emotionally. And while people may comment on my sentimentality (or lack thereof), I think it's important to remember to stay true to yourself. Emotions may connect all of humanity on one level, but they are a highly individualized phenomena on the other. We cannot begin to understand each other if we first don't understand ourselves.